*inhales cig*

I've broken the limit.
What seemed to be nearly uncertain has occurred.
It felt like yesterday that I was screaming, "Smoking gives you lung cancer."
I nabbed a cigarette from a friend in the desperate attempt to contain myself after 5 days without the pill.
I was actually looking forward to it. I felt no shame. This is going to be a release that nothing else could possibly give me.
I decided to wait 'till I was on my own and give myself some privacy to sip that tar-filled paper stick.
In between accounting lecture, in which the complete boredom and horrible angst built up in me completely, and my accounting tutorial, I made a silent solitary retreat to the quad toilet.
No one in sight.
*flick*
Wait a minute. This is wrong. At that second... I looked at myself in the mirror. Yes, there's mirrors in the Uni guy's toilets.
What have I become?
I've become a total shameless junkie.
Why, Jackson, why?
Because I want to.
Why, Jackson, why?
I want my brain to freeze.
Why, Jackson, why?
I don't want to feel the constant pain that I do everyday.
Why, Jackson, why?
Because it hurts and I don't like having those feelings.
Why, Jackson, why?
I can't find another way to get rid of those feelings.
Why, Jackson, why?
Because everyone else is.
Why, Jackson, why?
Because I hate my old self, I hate being a goody-goody, I hate this!
Why, Jackson, why?
Because I don't feel good about myself anymore.
Why, Jackson, why?
SHUT UP! WHO GIVES A FUCK WHY! JUST SMOKE THE GOD DAMN THING!

I gave myself a deep look in front of the mirror. One hand, the zippo lighter. The other, holding back my shoulder sack. The cigarette hanging off my mouth. My glasses and tiresome eyes still reflect on my lost childhood innocence. A complete miserable wreck. For a few seconds, my 18 years of my life flashed before me. It felt like yesterday I was laughing with my friends over the concept of having a girlfriend. It felt like yesterday I was still playing Pokemon. It felt like yesterday I was still laughing over silly things with my close friends (some not anymore...). Ji. Yin. Justin. Andy. Ben. Colin. Matt. David. And yes... it felt like yesterday that someone was still with me...

Jackson is strong. Jackson is still standing. Jackson is still fucking alive!
I flicked the cigarette into the toilet, flushed it, and jogged to my tutorial.

carpe diem.

writer's note: smoking is bad...