2nd Week of University 4 Jackson

My heart skipped a beat today. Twice.
1/ Fear of running into certain people, and hallucinating of them. I hate that feeling when you see them and your heart seems to be out of place. Then your mind gets these urges to get rid of these feelings, either by not thinking about it or drinking it away. If I wasn't busy, I would be seeing some specialists to help me, but it seems the spontaneity of my personality is starting to become too overwhelming on campus.

2/ Meeting and starting to know many of the thousands of different personalities on campus which overwhelmed me. Then I saw someone from my information systems lecture and I actually hoped she would be in my tutorial (1 in 1000 chance???)... and she was. *shrug* fate, or ill-fate, I really don't know. But if fate allows it, then ... yeah ... see where what's left of my self-esteem and confidence can lead me.

Well... I'm meant to mix with my own people... It seems the lifestyle of my people on campus (chung-sarn) aren't very approving. But I guess its a change from the shang environment I was conditioned in during my high school years. My own people seem to be more care-free (a bit too carefree), but although not horribly responsible, there was one thing that could describe them. Happy. As much as they talked about brothels and hookers in the middle of a crowded cafeteria, I was not ashamed to be with the people of my own language and culture. Few good laughs and all, it was short yet fulfilling and led me to think... sure, these people aren't academically-orientated (one guy was already jigging tutorial lessons), these people were probably the closest to letting myself be who I am. And for once I can use my cantonese instead of trying to make out from the constant shanghainese I kept listening to.

I was talking to Yin Song the other day, and he brought up a good point. It doesn't seem like you can actually make a lot of good friends on campus. Sure, you're gonna be running and knowing a lot of people during your uni life, but would you consider to start making any of them your close friend or something along those lines? Possibly, but right now, it doesn't seem like so. Sure, you know names. You talk to new people. That's about it. Horribly empty. The best conversations have been with old friends who you only just caught up with. Basically people you already know. But I didn't have these high expectations of university. It looked like a bright journey, but I knew it was a the light of an incoming train. I've had many people talk to me of their disappointments in university already, whether it be the hard adjustment to timetables, too many people around, the workload or simply how shit their lecturer/ class is. And if I got $1 for everytime someone told me they'd rather be in highschool...

But I guess that's only just for first year. First year blues. And I've yet to talk about my workload. Or maybe I should spend that effort into completing that workload.

I hope everyone's adjusting to university. I'm around if you guys ever need anything.

God Bless.