And life just keeps gettin' better...

Background: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Man to Man talks are scary. Giving the nature of my character, I bottle most of my stuff and let it manfest into surges of depression, memory lapses, and even in one case, a dangerous hallucination. But I'm glad I managed to talk to Ben about some personal issues... issue.
I laugh thinking about how I've dragged it on, I cry thinking about how I've let it drag on. But Ben has successfully highlighted the main issues for me. Despite many attempts talking to other people about this, Ben actually lifted a fair bit of weight off my heart. I even literally felt it, and that was a soothing feeling. No offense to other people I've talked to about this (which is only a very small handful... I'm talking about 3-4 people?). They've opened doors I've already tried, but Ben managed to led me to a new door. It's only one door, mind you, but it's a new door. How could I elaborate... It's a totally new perspective to everything else. It's not optimistic, but it's not pessimistic either. It's horribly realistic, but it's a more... accepting reality. Like, there's a much more clear justification for all this now. Before, I felt there's no justification, no reason behind all the happenings behind it. I blamed it on God, blamed it on other people, blamed a lot on myself. The idea of suicide crossed my mind a few times, and only once did it get very realistic. Other times, I chickened out, just like I chickened out on taking initiatives.

It isn't like me to be in this state. It only felt like yesterday that I was in Year Seven and learning about the world of Pokemon. Yet, it feels like a lifetime that my personal manifestation has been draining my ego. I guess everyone experiences it sooner or later, when they face a real traumatic experience in their life, whether it be the death of a close relative or a natural disaster. I remember William Godfrey having his parents lose a battle against cancer when he was in year seven. Some of my friends at school live family life with a single parent. As I continue to know more about people, I build up a lot of strength to realise that I'm just like everyone else. Waleed just escaped the war and came into my school, something I never knew. The main point I'm trying to get at is how much I've learnt about myself and the world. And I'm continuing to do so. The other main stresspoint is my extremely naive nature just one year ago, and how much I've got out of since then. It's still hard to believe that I've changed so much in such a small period of time. My naivety was a symbol of my extremely childish attitude towards life, and I would be lying if I had none of that in me now. The 'girl germs' theory dragged on into my mid adolescent years, which was pretty funny. I developed a very anti-social behaviour towards external social stimuli, inspired by many people, but it seemed that I took it the wrong way. I never thought I would say this, but I wished I never took up that attitude. Despite that, I've matured, learned and grew a lot from this, and that's something I'm... relatively proud of.

I told myself to live a life without regrets. Go at it Gung-ho style, a quote I very commonly employ. I've failed the first half of it by letting someone down. It's a horrible feeling that you've shitted someone's life bad without realising it until... a few months later. Especially if it was someone you really liked. That's how that stuff just above in the previous paragraph links to this one. The thing that gets to me the most was how much I didn't know during the time of the... state of affairs. I'm still continuing to learn more from it, and it gets worse and worse each time, and in other ways, better 'cause I'm still getting a lot out of it. I didn't display much appreciation to what I was receiving. I thought I did, but I guess it is pretty evident that I didn't. So in some respects, I deserve a lot of this personal torture. I never expected my closest friends to get involved, so in other respects, the problem is like... a motif to me. I'm gonna face it a lot, so I need to be strong. I guess that's another thing in life I learnt. I was confident with myself. I felt invincible - nothing would ever bring me down. Watching Dawson's Creek made me laugh. But I guess this has proven me horribly wrong. Very very wrong. My worse times in life have been situated in the past year. Nevertheless, I'm still alive and well. I think it would be a cliche if I brought up the concept of the time machine and going back and changing everything. It's not gonna happen. To whoever it may concern, if you're reading...

*Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get this far in life as of now. It's an oxymoron in a way -"You have to be cruel to be kind."
*Apologies - Sorry for my unreceptiveness. I wasn't grateful enough for everything you've done. But it hasn't gone unnoticed, that's for sure. Something I would seriously need to develop.

There's still very minor things about it that I still ponder about, but I'll bother with that after the HSC.
Ben's recommending me to the school counsellor before I sign out and I feel really positive about this. This might be my big break before the holidays <=)
The irony behind all this? I'm proving my stupidity by taking a full year to get this far and realise this much =P Better then never I guess...
WOW... a lot of it is out now.
4U in two days, State library, here I come... again! ^.^V
I've got a lot of fixing up to do in the holidays.

God Bless.