It's 230am. There's an actuarial quiz tomorrow worth a whooping 5% (By actuarial standards, that can be a lot). And all I can think about is us. And all I can imagine being is Johannsen in Lost in Translation. So mother fucking lost. Just getting upset over nothing, and not knowing what the fuck is going on these days. I don't know what to do. I can continue to stay in denial of things and pretend things are ok, but I can't pretend long. Im not used to being pretentious, I am who most of you see me. A bit of a dummy, clingy to people I love the most, hostile and uncommunicable to others, immature at times... just stupid.

I don't know who i am or what im doing. A horrible empty feeling, with a horrible push of my heart into my stomach occasionally. I can' recall the simple things i do these days: the routines. I dont know if im suffering memory loss or im not embracing my immediate surroundings as openly as I used to. I can't remember what I ate, what time I did what, lectures I went to, etc. All I can think of is spending the whole day pondering what the past, present, future bears for us. And I would imagine all sorts of quirky ideas, some fucked up ideas, some realistic ideas, I dunno. And it would continue at an uncontrollable rate. And this keeps building up and up.

Hard times? Lost feelings? Another guy? All the above? [insert thought]? And I would have millions of these, and this would at times pressure my heart into a sad state, causing it to close up feel heavy. I start worrying. I start getting scared. I start despairing.

Sorry this has been so random.

Maybe my end is near.