I never thought I would come down to this. What happened to that strong willed Jackson?

Fate... up against your will

Today I was at university. I had to study for accounting and it seemed to be the only environments in which I could study. But what I realised throughout the course of the day was that there never really is a suitable environment for me to study, because no matter where, I was always thinking about you.

Of course I would spend a whole 5 minutes managing not to think about you and become deeply obsessed with cashflows, but then somehow, the thought creeps in again and I'm faced with thinking about your sweet smile and the way you held me all the time. And the way you made me feel so secure... like... like I was truly at home. There was this comfort that I felt could never be achieved, but it was. It has been done to the point where when you were missing, I felt my heart missing and my whole life missing. Like a video clip of my life playing and the part you are meant to be in, was cut out with a pair of scissors. So there's this white spot next to me all the time.

UNSW is beautiful when it's empty. I would bring an excellent camera to uni on a sunday holiday to take pictures. Kinda like Martin Place at 530am. I wonder what uni would be like at those early hours, with fog everywhere. It would be so intriguing. However, I could not appreciate it to the fullest extent. There was this white spot cut out next to me where you should be, and it's driving me crazy. Knowing the uni was empty, it filled me with ideas, naughty and nice. Racing around, taking random funny pictures, exploring. Yet, now I'm not certain whether all that would ever happen. And it scares me a lot.

I kinda deserve it, being such a dysfunctional jerk. Which brings my whole plan that a peacock should never be with a cow. The cow should be honorable and unselfish and let other male peacocks have her. But the peacock wanted the cow, and the cow wants the peacock. Now the cow is eating grass and crying. The peacock is being more accustomed with her other peacocks and now is forgetting the cow. The cow is missing her a lot, but is trying hard to eat lots of grass.

I really tried to avoid being melodramatic, 'cause im sure lots of people hate this shit, but that's what i want to say.